Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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