6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
