is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
