You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
