the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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