my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
