ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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