Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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