ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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