I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
