tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
