dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
