I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
