apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
