Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
