Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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