i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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