Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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