I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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