she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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