I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
