i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
