I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
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