he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
