Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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