you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
