omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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