today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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