I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
