Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
