Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Found the puke drawer
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
