Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
