Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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