imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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