Apparently you make a good broom.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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