What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
