you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
