Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
