Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
