I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
try to milk me bitch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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