eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
