Swine flu. Run for my life!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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