you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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