She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
