Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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