i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
