I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
