My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
