Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
