Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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