I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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