everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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