this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I need to calm my uterus...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
