Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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