I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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