If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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