fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
