3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
