I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize