I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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