I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
